Lies You Should Never Tell Your Kids

Lying to your children: it’s not just a sport I made up in my head at this very moment, it’s also part of your parental duty.

For instance, you have to tell your kids Santa Claus exists. You really do. You may think it’s best not to lie to your children or to make them too comfortable with the idea of accepting gifts from a stranger, but that’s just stupid. A.) Your kids are going to find out you lie to them eventually, so it’s best to make to establish the status quo early on in your relationship. B.) You can’t let them think you’re giving them all of this junk. They’ll expect it all throughout the year then. C.) Making them believe a magical man from the North Pole brings them gifts for behaving well is pretty much the ultimate burn. Establish your pranking dominance early.

But I do not—and I can’t stress this enough—condone lying to your children over just anything. Sometimes it can be a little addicting, and after years of doing it, you can be desensitized over what is appropriate and what isn’t. This is why I, always one for educating the masses, have compiled a list of four lies that are never okay to tell your children.

1. “You don’t actually need to take your insulin.”

You may think this lie would be appropriate during occasions when money is tight, but that’s irresponsible because the result of your child not taking his or her insulin will just create doctor bills, which would be much more costly.

2. “It’s okay to take candy from strangers if it’s the good stuff.”

A good way to get high-priced name brand candy for free? Yes, sir. But remember: not only is this practice potentially life threatening to your children, but their ability to identify expensive name brand candy is limited at best. They may be familiar with the names Snickers, Kit Kat, and Reese’s Cups, but if you throw anything remotely sugary in their face, and they’re going to see expensive name brand candy whether it is or isn’t. Your judgment may be spot-on, but your kids still probably think a fast food burger is better than a steak.

3. “Happy 18th birthday! We adopted you.”

At first, yeah, this is a great lie. You wouldn’t be as morally responsible for college tuition, wedding costs, taking the time to give some real world advice when it was needed, etc., etc. You’re thinking this is a great way to spend your retirement years. But you’re wrong, because at age 18, your kid is probably smart enough to investigate this one, especially after that whole Santa Claus fiasco. He or she will find out you are lying, which will be a major headache later on. Every time you get together for a nice meal, he or she will probably mention the you-said-I-was-adopted-when-I-wasn’t situation. Plus, they'll make sure to point out your ignorance by informing you that you are still morally responsible for being their parent past 18, adopted or not. And that’s not how you want to spend your retirement years.

4. “Seat belts cause cancer.”

This one—and I cannot be more serious—is a really bad idea. I’m sure at the stage when they have their license you are looking for a great prank to really trump the Santa Claus years, but this one, sadly, is just not right. The look on your kid’s face when he gets pulled over and tells the officer why he’s not wearing his seat belt may seem worth the risk, but in the end, the consequences are too high. You saw the videos in driver’s ed. You certainly don’t want that to happen to your child. Also, if you really want to pull an epic prank, cancer is not the way to go. It’s insensitive and, frankly, kind of creepy. My suggestion for a great prank on your teenager: take them on vacation a few hundred miles away and leave them at a gas station. When they finally hitch hike back home, they’ll know by the smug look on your face who the king is.

While I totally condone lying to your kids, it can be a slippery, addictive slope. Already the lies above may seem suitable to you, but let me assure you that they are not. If you are still having difficulties coming to terms with why these are inappropriate lies, you may have a very serious problem, and I would urge you to seek psychological help immediately.