Remember simpler times, back on September 12, 2001? We knew who hated us (terrorists of some kind of ethnicity), we knew exactly what few methods they would use to kill us (airplane hijackings, nuclear suitcases, germ warfare, dirty bombs, chemical attacks, suicide bombings on buses, etc.), and we knew how to fix the problem (kill ‘em).
But it was that third simple fact that caused a bit of dissention. How exactly do we kill all of the terrorists? Sure, there were a few voices urging diplomacy, but these people were only Americans in the legal sense, not in their hearts, where it counts.
Inevitably we sent bombs and soldiers to Afghanistan, where a large portion of our military remains today. But we ignored maybe the best advice that was being offered, usually by a bunch of old retired white guys hanging around their farms: Turn the Middle East into a parking lot.
It made perfect sense. Not only would we have solved that pesky terrorism problem, but we would have accomplished two other feats. First of all: more parking lots! Who doesn’t hate trying to find a parking space? Sure, this would have done little to help Americans since the spaces would have been separated by an ocean, but as benefactors of the rest of the world, it would have been a giant gift to surrounding countries (we could have even put a bow on top of the nuke).
Secondly, we would finally have gotten to use our nukes again! America hasn’t dropped a nuclear bomb since 1945, and we’ve been jonesing like a New Jersey junky for some mass destruction.
Alas, our opportunity to lay the nuclear smackdown has passed. However, there is a new opportunity knocking over and over again at our doorsteps like some kind of Jehovah’s Witness who can see you hiding behind your couch. It’s Health Care, and my finger’s itching just thinking of it.
Due to President Obama’s attempt at health care reform, we’re in a challenging time in the United States where we must either take a stand for health care change or for maintaining our current system. The country is split, and it couldn’t be more irritating to listen to people squabble about something most of them don’t know much about in the first place. It’s like listening to a bunch of deaf people argue about who revolutionized music more: Skid Row or Ratt? Worse yet, they’re all convinced choosing the wrong option could kill everyone (do you want to feel the wrath of Skid Row when they find out they aren’t being hailed as the musical geniuses that they are?).
But I have a great idea how to finally put this issue to rest: Nuke health care. Just get rid of it all together. Everyone wins.
Do you think the insurance companies are corrupt? Well, it’s going to be hard for them to corrupt a system that doesn’t even exist.
Do you hate the idea of the government controlling the ways our hospitals are run? Let’s see them try to control something that isn’t there.
And more than anything else, we finally (finally!) get to use those nukes. It’s not exactly the same as blasting a bunch of small countries into the ground, but we should take what we get. Besides, some of those hospitals are pretty big, and not only would we get to watch the carnage in person, but we’d also get to enjoy those sweet parking spaces. Oh, those sweet, sweet parking spaces.
And I know what you’re thinking. You’re worried about what will happen to you if you get sick. This concern is legitimate, especially after all of that radiation that would be floating around. But let’s be serious; whether it’s insurance companies or government run health care, none of us are getting the best care possible anytime soon anyways. We might as well go out with a bang.
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