Playing It Cool

"High five, America."

Minimalistic Geniuses

I saw this image the other day and, I have to admit, my first impression was how terrible of planners these guys must be. A honking sign? Written on cardboard? Looking like white trash? Come on, guys. If you're going to campaign for your candidate of choice, rise above expectations. Be creative. Or at least buy some poster board.

The more I looked at this picture, the more I began to think maybe this was the Real America I was hearing about. Like the lost city of Atlantis, I originally thought it was some kind of myth, made to be sought out like the Holy Grail. But here it was, I thought, in all its glory. And then I began to wonder, what was so great about the Real America? Look at these guys. Do I want to talk to them? How could they possibly have anything interesting to say?

Despite not being a huge fan of The Matrix (it's alright), I am intrigued by the notion that our experience of the world is some kind of dream that feels real in every way imaginable, while the real world is actually some kind of piss hole.

I can't imagine a scenario where I wouldn't rather live in blissful ignorance. I'm not sure which color of pill I would have taken (because I don't remember which was which), but I would have looked right in Cowboy Curtis' face, picked the happy pill out of his hand, and chewed on it so the effects would work quicker.

But as Real America began to creep up on me, I realized that these guys weren't so much products of this authenticity, but rather innovators in minimalism.

They were the future. That's why they seemed so foreign to me. They're not even of our time.

Take a look at them one more time and, this time, pretend that they are poor.



Check. Out. That. Technique.

First, I want you to notice what they are physically bringing to the table: themselves, some clothes that anyone could grab for free at some kind of donation center, cardboard, a marker, and some real boss hats. Clearly the hats are the only thing that maybe cost money.

But it's not what they have; it's how they use it. For instance, those big budget hats? They turned them backwards as if to say, "You lookin' for some kind of fight?" These guys are in charge. They know where they're going. And you should listen to anything they have to say, because if you don't, they'll pop you in the mouth. They don't care. They do what they want. Rules? There are no rules. Maybe they'll wear their hats sideways. What are you going to do about it?

Secondly, their message demands your participation. They don't just say, "Hey, maybe you should consider voting my candidate." That's loser (Democrat) talk. It's weak. They're demanding that you do what they want when they want. Now you're a part of their movement.

And if you don't wanna? Too bad. Cause check out them guns. If you don't want to participate, they're more than willing to let you know that you're risking a beating, punk.

Finally, the total disregard for proper grammar is a bold but effective choice. Much like the backwards hat, it says, "The rules of the world don't apply to me." Take that, Dumb-ocrats, with your fancy words. If I want to use numbers, check it out. I'll do it. Are you going to fight me? (and then this is when things start to come full circle) Bam! Here are the guns, baby. Honk 4 McCain and move on.

These young men aren't Real America. They're the future. These visionaries could change the world, but only as far as society will let them. Could you imagine if the homeless would adapt their techniques? With this assertiveness and creativity, you wouldn't need very much money at all. Yeah, sure, those hats probably weren't free, but shelters could probably save a lot of money if they shifted from providing soup to handing out free boss hats.

Sadly, these geniuses are so far ahead of their time, many people will only see their display as some kind of cheap and dumb tactic to shore up enthusiasm on voting day. 50, maybe 100 years from now, and techniques like this will change our world and cure poverty. But these young men will have been lost in time. But let it be acknowledged now that this was the week that the world began to heal.

Today in Fashion

Say goodbye to the days when you could read a headline on CNN and not turn it into a t-shirt.

That's right. CNN has recently (or maybe they did this a long time ago... I really don't know) launched their very own t-shirt generator, where you can turn any of their headlines into your very own shirt.

This actually makes some type of lame business sense for headlines like "Obama to be first African-American president." However, CNN includes a ton of other headlines that have no real business being on a t-shirt.

For instance, you could be the proud wearer of "iReporters worldwide watching election," "Nudists want to vote in buff," or "Palin 'sorry' if she cost McCain votes."

All these t-shirts that are stupid enough to make fun of, but too lame to actually wear, even for ironic purposes.

But there is one category of headlines that is an exception to the rule (at least out of the bunch available in the archives as of this typing). Among slogans like "Rare baby pygmy hippo is size of puppy" sits this gem: "Woman, 75, shoots intruder in crotch."

It is, really, the perfect gag t-shirt. No one should quite be able to "get it," but when you walk down the street with a shirt that proudly declares "Rabid fox attacks jogger, clings to arm," someone is bound to ask what it's supposed to mean. And then you can look at them like they're stupid, point to the spot under the headline that reads, "I just saw it on CNN.com," and say, "It's the news." For effect, you could even shake your head, as if disgusted and confused at this person's small, small brain.

What makes these headlines work is the sense of unimportant action in them. Something extraordinarily insignificant that still sounds kind of cool has happened. And you're letting everyone know.

Hey, everyone! Hurt climber drank urine, ate bugs to live! Did you hear? Hurt climber drank urine, ate bugs to live! I read it on CNN.com! And here's when I read! Hey, everyone! Hurt climber drank urine, ate bugs to live!

Unfortunately, if you take a look at the most popular shirts ordered, the only attempt at humor is "1 in 3 workers hung over at the office."

Yawn. Way to go, CNN.com readers. It's bad enough Hurt Climber had to drink his own urine and eat bugs to live, but now it's unlikely that anyone outside of the CNN.com readership will ever know about his heroic story.

You give a bunch of people a chance to make a difference, and they buy a bunch of "Obama's President" shirts.