Sausage Links

Hey, winos. Make sure to check out friend of the blog Brian Yinger's The Grape Calls.

Also, I can't say enough good things about Larry Longstreth's short film The Greatest Fan Film of All Time, which is a sequel of sorts to Batman's Gonna Get Shot in the Face. I plugged both of these films in my interview with Larry, but they really do deserve mentioning on their own. Definitely worth checking out if you're a comic book fan.

Also, I'm tweeting now (!), which is what you see at the right of this page. Follow me here if you want. Get on the Twitter bandwagon before it gets on you. I'm not sure what that means, but it doesn't sound like you should risk it.

Lastly, this video kind of freaks me out. Think of me when you have nightmares tonight.

A Great Idea: Fixing Health Care for Good

Remember simpler times, back on September 12, 2001? We knew who hated us (terrorists of some kind of ethnicity), we knew exactly what few methods they would use to kill us (airplane hijackings, nuclear suitcases, germ warfare, dirty bombs, chemical attacks, suicide bombings on buses, etc.), and we knew how to fix the problem (kill ‘em).

But it was that third simple fact that caused a bit of dissention. How exactly do we kill all of the terrorists? Sure, there were a few voices urging diplomacy, but these people were only Americans in the legal sense, not in their hearts, where it counts.

Inevitably we sent bombs and soldiers to Afghanistan, where a large portion of our military remains today. But we ignored maybe the best advice that was being offered, usually by a bunch of old retired white guys hanging around their farms: Turn the Middle East into a parking lot.

It made perfect sense. Not only would we have solved that pesky terrorism problem, but we would have accomplished two other feats. First of all: more parking lots! Who doesn’t hate trying to find a parking space? Sure, this would have done little to help Americans since the spaces would have been separated by an ocean, but as benefactors of the rest of the world, it would have been a giant gift to surrounding countries (we could have even put a bow on top of the nuke).

Secondly, we would finally have gotten to use our nukes again! America hasn’t dropped a nuclear bomb since 1945, and we’ve been jonesing like a New Jersey junky for some mass destruction.

Alas, our opportunity to lay the nuclear smackdown has passed. However, there is a new opportunity knocking over and over again at our doorsteps like some kind of Jehovah’s Witness who can see you hiding behind your couch. It’s Health Care, and my finger’s itching just thinking of it.

Due to President Obama’s attempt at health care reform, we’re in a challenging time in the United States where we must either take a stand for health care change or for maintaining our current system. The country is split, and it couldn’t be more irritating to listen to people squabble about something most of them don’t know much about in the first place. It’s like listening to a bunch of deaf people argue about who revolutionized music more: Skid Row or Ratt? Worse yet, they’re all convinced choosing the wrong option could kill everyone (do you want to feel the wrath of Skid Row when they find out they aren’t being hailed as the musical geniuses that they are?).

But I have a great idea how to finally put this issue to rest: Nuke health care. Just get rid of it all together. Everyone wins.

Do you think the insurance companies are corrupt? Well, it’s going to be hard for them to corrupt a system that doesn’t even exist.

Do you hate the idea of the government controlling the ways our hospitals are run? Let’s see them try to control something that isn’t there.

And more than anything else, we finally (finally!) get to use those nukes. It’s not exactly the same as blasting a bunch of small countries into the ground, but we should take what we get. Besides, some of those hospitals are pretty big, and not only would we get to watch the carnage in person, but we’d also get to enjoy those sweet parking spaces. Oh, those sweet, sweet parking spaces.

And I know what you’re thinking. You’re worried about what will happen to you if you get sick. This concern is legitimate, especially after all of that radiation that would be floating around. But let’s be serious; whether it’s insurance companies or government run health care, none of us are getting the best care possible anytime soon anyways. We might as well go out with a bang.

Lies You Should Never Tell Your Kids

Lying to your children: it’s not just a sport I made up in my head at this very moment, it’s also part of your parental duty.

For instance, you have to tell your kids Santa Claus exists. You really do. You may think it’s best not to lie to your children or to make them too comfortable with the idea of accepting gifts from a stranger, but that’s just stupid. A.) Your kids are going to find out you lie to them eventually, so it’s best to make to establish the status quo early on in your relationship. B.) You can’t let them think you’re giving them all of this junk. They’ll expect it all throughout the year then. C.) Making them believe a magical man from the North Pole brings them gifts for behaving well is pretty much the ultimate burn. Establish your pranking dominance early.

But I do not—and I can’t stress this enough—condone lying to your children over just anything. Sometimes it can be a little addicting, and after years of doing it, you can be desensitized over what is appropriate and what isn’t. This is why I, always one for educating the masses, have compiled a list of four lies that are never okay to tell your children.

1. “You don’t actually need to take your insulin.”

You may think this lie would be appropriate during occasions when money is tight, but that’s irresponsible because the result of your child not taking his or her insulin will just create doctor bills, which would be much more costly.

2. “It’s okay to take candy from strangers if it’s the good stuff.”

A good way to get high-priced name brand candy for free? Yes, sir. But remember: not only is this practice potentially life threatening to your children, but their ability to identify expensive name brand candy is limited at best. They may be familiar with the names Snickers, Kit Kat, and Reese’s Cups, but if you throw anything remotely sugary in their face, and they’re going to see expensive name brand candy whether it is or isn’t. Your judgment may be spot-on, but your kids still probably think a fast food burger is better than a steak.

3. “Happy 18th birthday! We adopted you.”

At first, yeah, this is a great lie. You wouldn’t be as morally responsible for college tuition, wedding costs, taking the time to give some real world advice when it was needed, etc., etc. You’re thinking this is a great way to spend your retirement years. But you’re wrong, because at age 18, your kid is probably smart enough to investigate this one, especially after that whole Santa Claus fiasco. He or she will find out you are lying, which will be a major headache later on. Every time you get together for a nice meal, he or she will probably mention the you-said-I-was-adopted-when-I-wasn’t situation. Plus, they'll make sure to point out your ignorance by informing you that you are still morally responsible for being their parent past 18, adopted or not. And that’s not how you want to spend your retirement years.

4. “Seat belts cause cancer.”

This one—and I cannot be more serious—is a really bad idea. I’m sure at the stage when they have their license you are looking for a great prank to really trump the Santa Claus years, but this one, sadly, is just not right. The look on your kid’s face when he gets pulled over and tells the officer why he’s not wearing his seat belt may seem worth the risk, but in the end, the consequences are too high. You saw the videos in driver’s ed. You certainly don’t want that to happen to your child. Also, if you really want to pull an epic prank, cancer is not the way to go. It’s insensitive and, frankly, kind of creepy. My suggestion for a great prank on your teenager: take them on vacation a few hundred miles away and leave them at a gas station. When they finally hitch hike back home, they’ll know by the smug look on your face who the king is.

While I totally condone lying to your kids, it can be a slippery, addictive slope. Already the lies above may seem suitable to you, but let me assure you that they are not. If you are still having difficulties coming to terms with why these are inappropriate lies, you may have a very serious problem, and I would urge you to seek psychological help immediately.