How to talk about politics on the internet

Even though I’ve covered this before, it needs repeating: the internet has made everything in our lives better. But what the internet has probably improved most is how we express our political views. Before the convenience of the internet, if you wanted to get your voice heard, you would have to, for example, write a letter to the editor, which takes more time to write and send out through the mail (or Fed Ex for you non-socialists). And even then you’re expected to properly edit your own work so it’s suitable for publication. Talk about an unnecessary hassle.

But there’s no need for that anymore now that we have the internet.

Through the past few years, the internet’s capabilities have grown to a point where they can be daunting. Below is a list of the best ways to express your political views on the internet. Maybe they will help you start a journey of political self-discovery.

1. Make a YouTube video of yourself

Do you love to hear yourself talk? Do you like wearing sunglasses indoors to compliment your boss do-rag? Do you enjoy making up words like preventeded and opinioniated? Is there no conceivable way anyone would let you on real television because of your total lack of preparation? Then YouTube is the place for you.

Unfortunately, traditional forms of media like TV, film, and radio have a little thing big wigs like to call “standards.” Thankfully, due to the internet, these “standards” no longer apply to the average hardworking joes like you and me who would rather not re-tape 5 minutes of us stumbling over our own words while trying to make a point.

Sure, you may not get very many hits because people who actually know you don’t even care what you think about anything, but your words and voice are still out there, and that’s what matters. Forget things like substance, quality, and viewership. That’s old media. In the age of the internet, the only thing that matters is the fact that you are doing it, not that what you are doing is meaningful. And what is less meaningful than YouTube that has so many people doing it? (Besides World of Warcraft)

2. Post on a forum

If you do actually care if people hear or read what you think or you hate to look at yourself, then maybe YouTube isn’t for you. A better place might be a political forum, where you can shove your beliefs down peoples’ throats until they choke on its truthfulness.

The benefit of forums is that not only do you not have to look at yourself, but no one else can look at you either. You are completely anonymous, which means you can be as much of a douchebag as you want with absolutely no repercussions at all.

Let’s say, for instance, that you’re not really homophobic, but you want to make a thoughtful argument about gay marriage and end it with a gay joke. That’s not going to fly in the office. But on a message board? Son, you’re going to get banned if you don’t. And let’s say you want every message you post to be followed by a picture of a weatherman with a phallic-looking phenomenon seemingly coming out his pants. Passing a picture like that around school will get you detention, and it’s certainly not going to help your argument. But on a message board, you’ll probably get modded and be worshipped for your wit. So please, douche away.

3. Make Facebook posts

Maybe you want to be heard, but you really don’t want to be anonymous either. You may want your views to be thrusts upon those closest to you. Unfortunately, you hate actually talking about politics face-to-face out of fear of an actual dispute. You need to say just enough so that no one else can confront you about it without looking like an argumentative jerk.

If that sounds like you, then Facebook is probably what you want to use.

With Facebook, you can make many posts a day. Among messages telling your friends that what you ate for breakfast was good, you are leaving for work, and you think the guy in accounting is staring down your shirt, you can sneak in little posts saying that you think all Republicans must be mentally handicapped. And if anyone calls you out on your truth bombs, well they should just lighten up. You weren’t being serious anyways. But what can you expect from a Republican, right?

Check and mate.

4. Contribute to CNN’s iReport

After looking at all of these options, you might be thinking to yourself: “Yeah, but I still really want to be on TV. I’m just too good to be wasted!”

Hey, I hear you. Your childhood was spent wishing you could be on America’s Funniest Home Videos, and you won’t rest until you get your face on TV with the smallest amount of effort possible.

Thankfully CNN has followed in the internet’s footsteps by eliminating their “standards” and making iReport.com one of the major contributors to their television content. It’s a lot like YouTube, except now people who accidentally left their TVs on CNN thinking it was a real news network can hear what you think about healthcare. Plus, you can watch yourself on a bigger screen, which makes it better.

5. Create a blog

Still, after hearing all of these options, you might be feeling like you are too ugly for screen-time, yet too self-important and long-winded for forums and Facebook. Additionally, you might be too lazy or untalented to actually get your own work published. Well, that’s why blogs were created.

Now you (yes, you!) can self-publish your tedious diatribes to anyone, but probably no one. It doesn’t matter though. Sure, you’re doing all of this work for free, but you get the satisfaction that you’re saying something that must be really, really important. As long as you feel like someone may be reading your passive-aggressively sarcastic statements, you’ll feel a lot fuller inside.

Maybe it’s all of those terrible memories from your childhood that have scarred you that make you search for some sad, small semblance of importance. It doesn’t really matter, because once you see all of those words spread out in a way that might resemble a page of a book, you don’t really remember anymore. Better yet, with blogs you can always turn off the comments so you never know for sure if no one is reading. Maybe some day you can turn them on once again and gain yet another new outlet of political self-expression.

Well, I hope this list was helpful to you. Just remember a general rule of thumb: if you’re working too hard on expressing yourself in a constructive and meaningful manner, you probably just shouldn’t be doing it in the first place.

Pros and Cons #2

In a bold move that might be confused with indecisiveness, Blank the Messenger has decided to abandon the cause of finding the greatest creation of all time. This isn’t quitting though. I’m just making the quest to find the greatest creation ever better by completely abandoning it.

However, the feature won’t be lost and forgotten. It will be renamed Pros and Cons and provide exactly the same information it did before, minus the inclusion of the creator for each thing. This is better because a.) I never intended to finish it, and b.) it will

I am now also tired of making a list of why my decision to not pursue the quest to find the greatest creation ever is best. I’m making that list better by abandoning it also.

So, without further ado, here is Pros and Cons #2.

Blood Plasma

Pros: Helps you live; Can be used to create life-saving medicine; Kind of looks like beef broth; Can totally be sold for money

Cons: Does not taste like beef broth; People willing to buy plasma are frugal; Has nothing to do with watching high-definition television

Facebook

Pros: Easy and convenient way of social networking; You wouldn’t keep in touch with any of your old friends without it; Those crazy, crazy text games

Cons: Your parents now use it; Another way for friends to try and get you to read boring surveys about themselves; Number of Facebook friends give you a false sense of popularity that will never be able to fill the void in your life that was left by your social awkwardness

Owning a Dog

Pros: Best friend for life; Unlike children, you can name a dog pretty much anything you want without fear of shunning; You don’t have to stand up and walk to get your slippers anymore

Cons: Face it—it’s going to try and eat everything you own; The only new toy in your life that, when you get bored of it, you can’t throw away without fear of prosecution; Pees and craps all over the place; no matter how many times you call it your baby, it’s not really your baby.

Coffee

Pros: Keeps you awake; The best part of waking up (note: dependent on brand you choose); Impossible to live life without; Is basically a legal drug

Cons: When drinking too much, side effects are sort of gross; Can’t drink the good stuff without looking like an elitist; Get the shakes when you haven’t had any for a day

Incense

Pros: Makes your place smell good; Wide variety of scents; Cheap; No one will be able to know for sure if you smoke pot

Cons: Okay, be serious, everyone knows you smoke pot now; You look like a hippy; No variety of scent can mask its true smell: vintage store

Coming up: War Wars, A Great Idea, Dolly Oxem, and State Face Face-Off. I'm getting that heartburn feeling again!

Dolly Oxem Preview

Hey, folks. Here's the first preview for the upcoming pilot of Dolly Oxem's Traveling Video Circus. I've been hearing a lot about it and it looks like it should be very funny. Hopefully I'll be at the premier and give a first impression. Larry Longstreth has done a lot of other videos that can be seen on his MySpace page, among other places (and come on, you know how to use Google), so make sure to check them out too.

Tomorrow!: Blank the Messenger goes 80's horror film style all over one of its features. We're going to see the return, demise, and sort-of-return of the Greatest Creation Ever Nominations. It will be a lot like Friday the 13th: A New Beginning, but with less gratuitous sex and even more disappointment.

Hey. That sensation you just felt in your chest and throat--it isn't heartburn. it's excitement, so save the Maalox.

A List of Books You Aren't Reading

Unfortunately, people today don't read very much, so this list could actually be much, much longer. An easier task would be "A List of Books You Are Reading," which would include Animal Farm (since you are forced to read it in high school) and some magazine that someone left in the break room (because a list has to have more than one thing). Anything by Shakespeare wouldn't be listed since including books you pretended to read in high school would be cheating. Animal Farm was short, so we all read it. Plus, there were talking animals, so that seemed easy to relate to after years of TV stunting our maturity.

But assuming that we all still like to read, but rarely give into the hazy temptation, here's a list of books I'm guessing you aren't reading. And you should. You really, really should.

And just for the sake of humility, with the exception of one book, I read all of these in college, which means I'm not the kind of book snob I'd sometimes like to be. I'm just another phoney non-reader who has to be forced to crack open a book from time-to-time. Not that I don't read, but if you put the hours I spent playing Final Fantasy and Madden on one end of a scale, and the hours I spent reading in my post-college life on the other... well, let's just say I've been to quite a few Superbowls in my time, and I feel pretty ashamed reading the game log on how long it took me to beat every FF game.

So I could use a few suggestions myself. But for everyone else, here is my contribution.

The Book of Ralph

Why aren’t you reading it?:

Everything about it sounds like a kids book. Could possibly be a picture book of vomit. Because of religous conditioning from your grandmother, any mention of KISS makes you vomit a little.

Why you should read it:

Not only is The Book of Ralph hilarious, but it captures the reality of childhood. And what that really means is that this isn’t a kids book so much as it’s a book about being a kid. Every inappropriate thought you ever had as a kid is relived through the mind of Hank Boyd as he looks back at his childhood, with most key moments involving the odd relationship with his pseudo-friend Ralph. The Book of Ralph has a nostalgic vibe even for people who didn’t grow up in the 1970’s, and unlike other childhood retrospectives, John McNally’s book doesn’t sugarcoat the past. Every awful, embarrassing, and sad tale is told without holding anything back. It’s a funny and sometimes tragic look back at a time that everyone says is supposed to be simple, but rarely ever is.

White Noise

Why aren’t you reading it?:

You hated that awful Kevin Bacon movie you think it’s based on. The plot is a little scatter-brained. You’re so PC, you find any mention of Hitler offensive for no good reason. Your sense of humor has been crushed after years of watching America’s Funniest Home Videos.

Why you should read it:

White Noise is dry, dark, and funny, all of which blends nicely for chapter after chapter of rich satire. The story, which follows J.A.K. Gladney, the Professor of Hitler Studies, through a series of bizarre events in a world slightly off kilter to our own, may seem a little slow and, at times, inconsequential, but given some patience, what unfolds is haunting. Although it was written in the 1980’s, author Don DeLillo reveals a world dominated by media that resembles the present time more than it did when he wrote the book nearly 25 years ago. It’s not for everyone, but it offers a nice reward for those who read it through to the end.

Nice Big American Baby

Why aren’t you reading it?:

You hate children and fat people, so, you know, double whammy right there. Stories aren’t short enough to appeal to your ridiculous amount of ADD. You judge every book by its cover, and that cover does not seem to indicate a story about a giant baby destroying America like it was Godzilla.

Why you should read it:

Author Judy Budnitz creates a nice mix of realism and fantasy that makes it easy for the reader to accept the seemingly absurd circumstances in each story. On the surface, the details in stories like “Where We Come From,” where a pregnant woman holds in her baby months past the due date so she can give birth in America, seem silly. But Budnitz frames every one of her stories in such a way where the human struggle dominates any inclination to write it off as absurd. It’s hard not to read all the way through every story and not feel like you’ve gained a new sense of perspective, and the weirdness makes the book hard to forget. In a time where short story collections don’t sell as widely as novels, it’s nice to know that writers like Budnitz are still practicing the craft with as much mastery as is included in Nice Big American Baby.

The Tortilla Curtain

Why aren’t you reading it?:

All that talk about tortillas makes your stomach growl. You prefer to only hear about the Mexico/US border issue from the point of view of AM radio pundits. Lack of actual tortillas is baffling.

Why you should read it:

T.C. Boyle, unlike just about everyone anywhere who has tried to find the best perspective on the Mexico/US border conflict, actually succeeds beyond expectations. His key to success is surprising. Instead of oversimplifying the matter to make the discussion easy to fit into his TV show/radio show/column/blog/etc./etc., he accepts the issue as complex and ultimately unsolvable, and then tries to break it down. The book gives no answers, but provides plenty of perspective, telling the story from the point of view of four different people, none of which are right or wrong. It is sometimes challenging, but its honesty and complexity is refreshing.

That personal question I said I would ask you...

Where did that rash come from?

"Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers!"

I quote things all of the time, which is actually kind of unfortunate because in the past few months, I’ve noticed that our generation (Y? Z? Are we keeping track of the cut-off dates anymore?) can’t hold a single conversation without quoting something. And the problem lies in the vast amount of pop culture at our disposal. Long gone are the days where people would mostly quote the Godfather or Star Wars. Our generation has hundreds of Simpsons episodes to pull from along with more obscure films like Cannibal! The Musical.

I think I’m mostly bothered by this for two reasons: 1.) More and more I find myself talking to a group of people who constantly quote things to each other while I sit by having absolutely no idea what is being discussed. I like Arrested Development as much as the next guy with a good sense of humor, but when I’m bombarded with a random collection of Adult Swim quotes I’m not familiar with followed by a completely-out-of-nowhere chicken dance, I get a little overwhelmed. And 2.) I find myself quoting the most random things to people when I know they will have no clue I’m actually doing it. The worst was when I realized whenever I would tell people “good luck,” I would say it with the same deep, fake video game tone as the menu voice in Starfox 64. Who would ever pick up on this? “Yes! Starfox 64. Good reference. Very well done. Now let me dish out some Wave Race quotes you probably remember.”

This isn’t to say I’m going to stop quoting movies and TV shows. There’s something nice about telling a friend in-the-know that you’re having a schpadoinkle day, or that the crowd was actually saying “Boo-urns,” or that last step you took was a “d-ooozy.”

However, I’ll try to fit in a few more genuine words here and there. You know, to really spice up the conversation with actual communication. The inexplicable Starfox references are gone too. I’m not even sure how they snuck their way in there.

But the chicken dance stays. How else are we expected to humiliate cowards?

Coming up!: More greatest creation/thing candidates, a further look into the obsession of quoting, and a list of books you're not reading. Plus: I ask you a really personal question. Get excited.

Bono's Outta Here. Plus: Your Economy Update

Well, I guess Bono is officially out of contention. I read the comments (okay, comment) and listened to others, and the consensus is clear: you're outta here, Bono. Get some real sunglasses and pretend to be American, and then maybe we'll talk.

And now, you're picture update on the economy, brought to you by CNN:

I'm not sure what this means, but it's all CNN has been reporting on the last few days. What's the verdict? Is this good? Bad? Is the economy in its offseason and CNN is just doing what ESPN does with the NFL: giving us a daily Favre update? Has the real news been traded to MTV in exchange for their programs?

You know what? Screw it. I think this is an improvement. As Americans, when we're having a bad day at work and don't want to do anything, how do we react when something important needs to get done right away? We ignore it. It's the American way. Someone else will do it and then we can go on living our lives like nothing happened in the first place. Bold move, America. But this isn't anything new; this is the kind of stuff we're made of. And hey, it's always worked in the past. We're going back to the basics--the stuff that got us here in the first place. Let's all give ourselves a big pat on the back for fixing... whatever it is that was broken. I forget already.

You see that, Bono? Maybe if you quit trying to fix the world you would have stayed in contention. But you couldn't do things the American way, could you? That's an Irishman for you.