Surviving the Inevitable Zombie Invasion with Josh Detty: Preparation

Part 1: Preparation

Josh Detty. To most people who know him, he is the guitarist and lead singer of one of the hardest-working punk bands touring today, Fight Before Surrender. But for almost ten years, I’ve known him as more than that. He’s been a friend, a mentor, and a zombie killer.

Almost as long as I’ve known him, Josh has given me advice on zombie survival. I’m being completely honest when I say that I have never really been quite sure if he is serious or not. Logic dictates that he isn’t. Despite how much many of us want zombies to be real, they aren’t. And as serious as Josh takes his music and career, he is also a pretty goofy guy.

But the more he told me about his survival plans, the more I realized how extensively he has thought all of this out. After watching the movie 28 Days Later—and this is absolutely true—Josh started carrying a machete in the trunk of his car… just in case.

Joking or not, I’ve been e-mailing Josh lately, picking at his brain, trying to figure out in great detail the extent to his zombie survival plan. This is part 1 of a series of conversations I’ll be having with Josh. For now, I just wanted to learn about preparing for a zombie attack.

Through it all, I kept asking myself, as I always have: Is he really serious? Has this always just been an elaborate joke that Josh has never quite let anyone in on? I’m still not sure, but as always, I tend to lean towards Josh being serious. Why? Josh says it best himself: “I know that you might think now that it’s very unlikely that a zombie infection/outbreak/apocalypse could ever happen, but, then again, ask your grandparents if they ever thought that we could put a man in space, let alone on the moon. We as humans have accomplished some amazing scientific work in the last 100 years, from curing diseases, to space travels, to cloning animals.

“I believe it is possible; anything is possible.”

Anything is possible. Maybe he’s right. A zombie apocalypse isn’t exactly in the same field of accomplishment as landing on the moon, but then again, nuclear warfare was, at one point, an inconceivable concept. Germ warfare, which is right down the alley of a zombie outbreak, has been around for a long, long time, but, unfortunately, it is a part of science that is always expanding.

Josh seems to have a way of getting my mind going. But how far does he take this?

I asked Josh what the first priorities are, and he said it’s to prepare. He emphasizes that you need to have an evacuation plan (which he calls his “e-vac” plan), which includes game plans involving weapons, supplies, and evacuation strategies, among other things. “Your situation might require you to get weapons then get to safety,” Josh says. “Or get to safety then get weapons.”

You have to be flexible. He stresses that you must use common sense. “Use your brain or lose your brain; it’s that simple.” Josh adds that you need to stay calm and go over your e-vac plan, adding: “Oh wait, you don’t have one? Well, welcome to zombie-ville, idiot!” Harsh but fair words, Josh.

Another thing that Josh says to never do is try to be a hero. “Its just not worth it,” Josh says. “Unless you want to be a zombie.”

But what about your loved ones who aren’t near you at the moment of an outbreak? Should you try and be a hero for their sake? Don’t even think about it. “Your friends and family are most likely either zombies or zombie food,” Josh says. “So forget about them.

“If they are close by, then they might make it and be with you for awhile. If they aren’t and you have to travel to get them, just don’t. Chances are, you’ll fail. Cry about it, punch something, kill some zombies to get even, whatever. Just get over it and move on. I know that if I’m at home in San Antonio and my wife is at work on the other side of town, I’m not getting into my car and driving to save her. Heartless? Perhaps. Zombie food? Not a chance.”

The key to survival, Josh told me time and time again, was having and sticking to your e-vac plan. Getting to safety and gathering weapons are the two most important things right away, he says. As far as getting to safety, you’ll have to rely on what the situation gives you. “Think about places you often go to around town for errands or work and places close to home. You’ll want buildings that are NOT super huge, like Wal-Marts, but places where you can get supplies (food, weapons, ammo, first aid, basics) if needed. Consider places that you know, with very little to no work, will be perfectly prepped to keep out zombies.

“Really, it’s just how the cards fall. If the Japanese would have known ahead of time that we were going to drop a-bombs on them, I don’t think they would have been out running or taking photographs or gardening. Same with zombies; you might be at work when this happens, maybe grandmas funeral. Who knows?”

When traveling, Josh adds, learn your surroundings immediately. “I do a lot of traveling and I have a lot of tools that I can use as weapons or make weapons out of. And when I roll into Detroit I know where I am and I get familiar with the surroundings quickly.”

Weapons are key, and there are a lot that you need to consider.

Josh encourages the use of guns, but acknowledges the weak points of using them. “Think back to pre-gun era civilizations, like the Native Americans, Vikings, Samurai, or any type of warriors from our history; maybe even Rambo. If you have guns or direct access to guns, great! But do remember this: If you hunt a deer and you fire and miss, the deer is spooked and runs away. So do all the other wildlife in the sound waves of the blast. If you shoot a zombie and miss or hit, it doesn’t matter; the sound waves will attract more zombies and there will be more coming after that sound.”

For a long range weapon, Josh suggests the compound bow. “This weapon can be traced all throughout human history and it completely changed hand-to-hand warfare forever. And if you run out of arrows there is a quick and easy way to make more: long straight sticks.” He also likes a rifle with a scope if you can get access to one.

For mid-range, a cross bow and a 12 gauge shotgun are his favorites. But the shotgun comes with a warning: “Remember, however, that they are called scatter guns for a reason. The shot scatters the farther away it travels from the gun.”

For close range, Josh cannot recommend blades enough. “Most people can’t afford a decent samurai sword, better know as a katana. Sure, a 4 foot long indestructible razor blade would be the best weapon ever (Seriously. Google katana and research it. You will be impressed and then you’ll want one), but if you don’t have it, you don’t have it.” The next best thing? A machete, which Josh says you can grab for under $30.

Another big favorite of Josh's is the sling shot. "It's a child's toy, but it's just as deadly as a gun, silent as bow and arrow, and seriously accurate for up to 50 yards. You will never run out of ammo; if you do just pick up a hand full of rocks. The IRA (Irish Republican Army) used this weapon a lot. It doesn't take anything at all to learn to use this weapon."

Other weapons to consider: Baseball bats, hatchets and hammers. “An axe with the handle cut down will work too,” Josh says. “A sledge hammer is just a newer version of a war hammer. Just don’t get something that you can’t swing very well. Don’t be afraid to make your own weapons too. Anything can become a weapon.”

There are plenty of options, but Josh stressed one specific weapon to avoid: the chainsaw. And his logic is pretty sound. “Seriously, is this the Army of Darkness? Are you going to cut off your hand and mount the chainsaw on there? ARE YOU BRUCE CAMPBELL? No, you are not! What are you going to do when it runs out of gas?”

Josh concludes that, while he likes guns, they aren’t exactly the only thing you should be using. “Guns are nice until you run low on ammo or they jam. And you need to clean your gun so it doesn’t get dirty and blow up in your face. If you have guns, use them, but don’t depend on them. Use them wisely. If you are smart enough and resourceful, anything can be a weapon! Just try to stay away from anything that might need a lot of maintenance or attention.”

In the next installment, Josh is going to talk about day-to-day survival. Until then, go to the store and grab yourself a machete. I’m not saying you’ll need it, but like Josh said, I suppose anything is possible. I’m going to hold out on the katana though. Maybe. Well, I’ll Google it and then decide.

Until next time, good luck and stay safe out there.

Sausage Links

Hey, winos. Make sure to check out friend of the blog Brian Yinger's The Grape Calls.

Also, I can't say enough good things about Larry Longstreth's short film The Greatest Fan Film of All Time, which is a sequel of sorts to Batman's Gonna Get Shot in the Face. I plugged both of these films in my interview with Larry, but they really do deserve mentioning on their own. Definitely worth checking out if you're a comic book fan.

Also, I'm tweeting now (!), which is what you see at the right of this page. Follow me here if you want. Get on the Twitter bandwagon before it gets on you. I'm not sure what that means, but it doesn't sound like you should risk it.

Lastly, this video kind of freaks me out. Think of me when you have nightmares tonight.

A Great Idea: Fixing Health Care for Good

Remember simpler times, back on September 12, 2001? We knew who hated us (terrorists of some kind of ethnicity), we knew exactly what few methods they would use to kill us (airplane hijackings, nuclear suitcases, germ warfare, dirty bombs, chemical attacks, suicide bombings on buses, etc.), and we knew how to fix the problem (kill ‘em).

But it was that third simple fact that caused a bit of dissention. How exactly do we kill all of the terrorists? Sure, there were a few voices urging diplomacy, but these people were only Americans in the legal sense, not in their hearts, where it counts.

Inevitably we sent bombs and soldiers to Afghanistan, where a large portion of our military remains today. But we ignored maybe the best advice that was being offered, usually by a bunch of old retired white guys hanging around their farms: Turn the Middle East into a parking lot.

It made perfect sense. Not only would we have solved that pesky terrorism problem, but we would have accomplished two other feats. First of all: more parking lots! Who doesn’t hate trying to find a parking space? Sure, this would have done little to help Americans since the spaces would have been separated by an ocean, but as benefactors of the rest of the world, it would have been a giant gift to surrounding countries (we could have even put a bow on top of the nuke).

Secondly, we would finally have gotten to use our nukes again! America hasn’t dropped a nuclear bomb since 1945, and we’ve been jonesing like a New Jersey junky for some mass destruction.

Alas, our opportunity to lay the nuclear smackdown has passed. However, there is a new opportunity knocking over and over again at our doorsteps like some kind of Jehovah’s Witness who can see you hiding behind your couch. It’s Health Care, and my finger’s itching just thinking of it.

Due to President Obama’s attempt at health care reform, we’re in a challenging time in the United States where we must either take a stand for health care change or for maintaining our current system. The country is split, and it couldn’t be more irritating to listen to people squabble about something most of them don’t know much about in the first place. It’s like listening to a bunch of deaf people argue about who revolutionized music more: Skid Row or Ratt? Worse yet, they’re all convinced choosing the wrong option could kill everyone (do you want to feel the wrath of Skid Row when they find out they aren’t being hailed as the musical geniuses that they are?).

But I have a great idea how to finally put this issue to rest: Nuke health care. Just get rid of it all together. Everyone wins.

Do you think the insurance companies are corrupt? Well, it’s going to be hard for them to corrupt a system that doesn’t even exist.

Do you hate the idea of the government controlling the ways our hospitals are run? Let’s see them try to control something that isn’t there.

And more than anything else, we finally (finally!) get to use those nukes. It’s not exactly the same as blasting a bunch of small countries into the ground, but we should take what we get. Besides, some of those hospitals are pretty big, and not only would we get to watch the carnage in person, but we’d also get to enjoy those sweet parking spaces. Oh, those sweet, sweet parking spaces.

And I know what you’re thinking. You’re worried about what will happen to you if you get sick. This concern is legitimate, especially after all of that radiation that would be floating around. But let’s be serious; whether it’s insurance companies or government run health care, none of us are getting the best care possible anytime soon anyways. We might as well go out with a bang.

Lies You Should Never Tell Your Kids

Lying to your children: it’s not just a sport I made up in my head at this very moment, it’s also part of your parental duty.

For instance, you have to tell your kids Santa Claus exists. You really do. You may think it’s best not to lie to your children or to make them too comfortable with the idea of accepting gifts from a stranger, but that’s just stupid. A.) Your kids are going to find out you lie to them eventually, so it’s best to make to establish the status quo early on in your relationship. B.) You can’t let them think you’re giving them all of this junk. They’ll expect it all throughout the year then. C.) Making them believe a magical man from the North Pole brings them gifts for behaving well is pretty much the ultimate burn. Establish your pranking dominance early.

But I do not—and I can’t stress this enough—condone lying to your children over just anything. Sometimes it can be a little addicting, and after years of doing it, you can be desensitized over what is appropriate and what isn’t. This is why I, always one for educating the masses, have compiled a list of four lies that are never okay to tell your children.

1. “You don’t actually need to take your insulin.”

You may think this lie would be appropriate during occasions when money is tight, but that’s irresponsible because the result of your child not taking his or her insulin will just create doctor bills, which would be much more costly.

2. “It’s okay to take candy from strangers if it’s the good stuff.”

A good way to get high-priced name brand candy for free? Yes, sir. But remember: not only is this practice potentially life threatening to your children, but their ability to identify expensive name brand candy is limited at best. They may be familiar with the names Snickers, Kit Kat, and Reese’s Cups, but if you throw anything remotely sugary in their face, and they’re going to see expensive name brand candy whether it is or isn’t. Your judgment may be spot-on, but your kids still probably think a fast food burger is better than a steak.

3. “Happy 18th birthday! We adopted you.”

At first, yeah, this is a great lie. You wouldn’t be as morally responsible for college tuition, wedding costs, taking the time to give some real world advice when it was needed, etc., etc. You’re thinking this is a great way to spend your retirement years. But you’re wrong, because at age 18, your kid is probably smart enough to investigate this one, especially after that whole Santa Claus fiasco. He or she will find out you are lying, which will be a major headache later on. Every time you get together for a nice meal, he or she will probably mention the you-said-I-was-adopted-when-I-wasn’t situation. Plus, they'll make sure to point out your ignorance by informing you that you are still morally responsible for being their parent past 18, adopted or not. And that’s not how you want to spend your retirement years.

4. “Seat belts cause cancer.”

This one—and I cannot be more serious—is a really bad idea. I’m sure at the stage when they have their license you are looking for a great prank to really trump the Santa Claus years, but this one, sadly, is just not right. The look on your kid’s face when he gets pulled over and tells the officer why he’s not wearing his seat belt may seem worth the risk, but in the end, the consequences are too high. You saw the videos in driver’s ed. You certainly don’t want that to happen to your child. Also, if you really want to pull an epic prank, cancer is not the way to go. It’s insensitive and, frankly, kind of creepy. My suggestion for a great prank on your teenager: take them on vacation a few hundred miles away and leave them at a gas station. When they finally hitch hike back home, they’ll know by the smug look on your face who the king is.

While I totally condone lying to your kids, it can be a slippery, addictive slope. Already the lies above may seem suitable to you, but let me assure you that they are not. If you are still having difficulties coming to terms with why these are inappropriate lies, you may have a very serious problem, and I would urge you to seek psychological help immediately.

9 Questions for Larry Longstreth

At age 20, with no major filming experience under his belt, Larry Longstreth set out to finish a home movie called Safari Larry. He begged friends, family members, strangers, and local actors to help him finish the project, and even though the final product didn't turn out how he wanted, it was a learning experience--one that has led to where he is right now, seven years later getting ready to finish up his first TV pilot: Dolly Oxem's Traveling Video Circus.

Longstreth's crew is a large evolving group of filmmakers, including some who have been with Larry from the beginning (his brother Aaron Longstreth, Vince Bruno, and Clint George) as well as others who have just joined this summer (Justin K. Phillips and Jake Ruby). Their popular works include Batman's Gonna Get Shot in the Face, Nintendo: Old School Revolution (both of which have been shown at Kevin Smith's film festival), and The Greatest Fan Film of All Time. He's worked with WWE/TNA wrestler Steven Richards, Our Lady Peace lead singer Raine Maida, Troma legend Lloyd Kaufman, and Narnia fx man Paul Molnar. Batman's Gonna Get Shot in the Face was voted 4th best short film of 2006 by Filmthreat.com. His latest project, Dolly Oxem's Traveling Video Circus, is currently in post-production and will be done in the Fall.

Larry took a few minutes from his busy schedule to answer nine questions about becoming a filmmaker, working on Dolly Oxem, and what the future holds.

Blank the Messenger: With having a day job, how much of your free time are you able to devote to filming? Basically, what does a typical day look like when you're deep in the process of filmmaking?

Larry Longstreth: Tricky question. My day job is the time I spend mentally working on our films. Usually, I work on them in some way, shape, or form every single night when I get home.

Now, however, we're shooting something (Dolly Oxem's Traveling Video Circus) that's mostly built around improvisation so I basically just lay out a rough plan for each Sunday and make sure that location-wise and schedule-wise, it's going to happen. Once I get back to working on a more organized project, it will basically take over my life, as the always do.

BTM: You've done both live action and animation films. Which do you prefer?

LL: Animated projects, at least when done with Jacob Drake (our animator), are way easier. I mean, they're a lot of work for him but we keep full control of the project at all times. The only time you really have to rely on somebody else is when dealing with voice actors... but for the most part, the ball is completely in your court and you can tweek and change whenever you want to. With live action, it's completely different. You can have lighting, sound, camera, actors, director, etc all doing a great job and just one thing can go wrong that ruins everything. It's way more of a challenge. Everybody has to deliver. I love the challenge of live-action because we're still struggling to get a system down that's organized AND technically efficient. We keep getting closer and closer and I'm realizing exactly what I need in able to pull it off. I need a close, reliable, educated DP (or Director of Photography) first and foremost. All in all, I love the challenge of live-action but I realize that animation will also provide great challenges down the line as we grow and branch out. It also allows for more epic work. I can't really say I have a favorite between the two.

BTM: Of all of your pre-Dolly Oxem projects, which is your favorite?

LL: Personally, The Wimp Whose Woman Was a Werewolf is my favorite. It's not all that great, I suppose, but it pulled together about 50 different people from all over the country. We worked with Hollywood folks and normal folks. We shot in NYC and Stow, Ohio. We lost so much along the way. I spent so much of my own money just to reach the finish line. Our original werewolf completely fell apart last minute and we had to think of something else so we drove to NYC to pick up Paul Molnar, who created the newer version. There were so many last-minute screw ups that forced me to figure out a way that it felt like baptism through fire. In the end, that finished film means so much to me. Next, it would probably be The Greatest Fan Film of All Time for much of the same reasons. So epic in it's production, and with so many close-calls.

Now, CREATIVELY speaking, I'm not sure. I think Batman's Gonna Get Shot in the Face might be our best work, but my opinion on that changes by the second.

BTM: The preview for Dolly Oxem is thin on the details. What kind of show would you describe it as, and when will people be able to get a full look at it?

LL: It's a very tongue-in-cheek show that's based on a simple premise: A washed-up, unfunny comedian named Dolly Oxem basically creates this piece-of-shit late night comedy show in a last-ditch effort to become famous. It's a satire of those things you find on local access TV at 2 am. It's done really well, though, and is of course nowhere near as boring as they actually are.

BTM: Where did the idea for the character Dolly Oxem come from?

LL: From local filmmakers, writers, comedians, etc. There are so many unskilled and/or untalented locals (as well as famous ones). Just drive across the Kent State campus any evening and poke your head into a few coffee shops or bars. You'll hear a good amount of bad music, bad poetry, etc. I'm not saying it's bad to do what you love. Certainly at 20 or 30 years old you can do it poorly and get away with being a "starving artist", but I know a lot of people who are in the same boat and are 50 or 60. At that point, it's not just sad. It's irresponsible. Sometimes common sense is the only thing you need in order to figure out just how to get a little bit better at what you do. Sometimes you just put your ego aside and say, "Hey, I'm not a good writer... but I'm a good camera man. Maybe I should try that instead." I suppose there's the argument that good or bad, we do what we love. I understand that. I get it. Dolly Oxem isn't a malicious shot at anybody. It's just something that the gang and I have noticed with a lot of Ohio artists and filmmakers and it's something I wanted to satire because the best comedy is a little bit sad too.

BTM: How much more material do you have for future episodes?

LL: I have an unlimited amount. When it comes to being an asshole and making fun of something, this well never runs dry.

BTM: What is the future of Dolly Oxem? How far do you plan on taking this?

LL: We're going to pitch in LA and Cleveland. One way or another, it will lead to something bigger and better.

Big Chuck Schodowski, a TV icon in the NE Ohio, had recently requested copies of our stuff. I sent him a DVD of Batman's Gonna Get Shot in the Face, The Wimp Whose Woman Was a Werewolf (which he acted in), and the trailer to Dolly Oxem's Traveling Video Circus. I realized last night before I fell asleep that Batman is filled with sudden F-bombs, the Dolly preview has the word "sexual predators", and Wolf has a girl being shot in the head. Chuck seemed really happy to help us and I figured he'd helps us get on TV here in Ohio if LA didn't work out, but after he sees that DVD, that may no longer be the case. (laughs)

BTM: In the past you've discussed how you have little film education and you're basically self-taught, adding that filmmakers "shouldn't hide from actually going out and getting it done." What's the transition been like from being a wannabe filmmaker to preparing your first pilot for Hollywood?

LL: Long and hard. You have to absolutely not be afraid to look like a total idiot in front of everybody. You have to be okay with being poor for a very long time. I always say it but it's true: I get asked for autographs and I'm a landscaper. Millions of people have seen my face and heard my voice and yet I'm still poor. It comes with the territory. I know money is in our future and we're actually working on that right now, but it's a long, hard, road. If I cared too much about what people thought, I'd never have been able to do it. People are judgemental and cruel. They want to say "Hey, I know that guy. He's gonna make it big. It makes me wish I'd done something like that with MY life." but by the same token, they say "I don't know how you live like that... I'd never be able to live on ramen noodles.", "I've got kids to take care of and I don't have the luxuries you do.", "I've got to save money.", "It's this economy.", etc. They want the glory but they don't want to eat any of the shit you have to eat to get there. There are a billion good reasons NOT to follow your dreams. I'm also very aware of those reasons myself. The people close to me know that I sometimes have bad days. I have days where I think "My God, what am I doing with my life?!". A quick google search to see how things are going with our films usually silences my doubt but still, it's hard and humbling.

BTM: What projects are you working on next?

LL: Four Tanks and a Healer is an animated TV pilot we're making in the same style as Batman's Gonna Get Shot in the Face and The Greatest Fan Film of All Time, but it's a completely original work. It centers around a totally lop-sided team of adventurers as they play inside one of those online roleplaying games. With just four tanks and a healer, they are forced to come up with innovative and creative ways to defeat obstacles that a real team would breeze through. It's really funny and really sad and true.

I'm also getting the itch to do a feature film but I don't know any more at the moment. Aaron just bought a steady cam. I need a few more people who are schooled in certain job types before I'll go forward with it, though.

-

You can check out Larry's films on his MySpace page.

How to talk about politics on the internet

Even though I’ve covered this before, it needs repeating: the internet has made everything in our lives better. But what the internet has probably improved most is how we express our political views. Before the convenience of the internet, if you wanted to get your voice heard, you would have to, for example, write a letter to the editor, which takes more time to write and send out through the mail (or Fed Ex for you non-socialists). And even then you’re expected to properly edit your own work so it’s suitable for publication. Talk about an unnecessary hassle.

But there’s no need for that anymore now that we have the internet.

Through the past few years, the internet’s capabilities have grown to a point where they can be daunting. Below is a list of the best ways to express your political views on the internet. Maybe they will help you start a journey of political self-discovery.

1. Make a YouTube video of yourself

Do you love to hear yourself talk? Do you like wearing sunglasses indoors to compliment your boss do-rag? Do you enjoy making up words like preventeded and opinioniated? Is there no conceivable way anyone would let you on real television because of your total lack of preparation? Then YouTube is the place for you.

Unfortunately, traditional forms of media like TV, film, and radio have a little thing big wigs like to call “standards.” Thankfully, due to the internet, these “standards” no longer apply to the average hardworking joes like you and me who would rather not re-tape 5 minutes of us stumbling over our own words while trying to make a point.

Sure, you may not get very many hits because people who actually know you don’t even care what you think about anything, but your words and voice are still out there, and that’s what matters. Forget things like substance, quality, and viewership. That’s old media. In the age of the internet, the only thing that matters is the fact that you are doing it, not that what you are doing is meaningful. And what is less meaningful than YouTube that has so many people doing it? (Besides World of Warcraft)

2. Post on a forum

If you do actually care if people hear or read what you think or you hate to look at yourself, then maybe YouTube isn’t for you. A better place might be a political forum, where you can shove your beliefs down peoples’ throats until they choke on its truthfulness.

The benefit of forums is that not only do you not have to look at yourself, but no one else can look at you either. You are completely anonymous, which means you can be as much of a douchebag as you want with absolutely no repercussions at all.

Let’s say, for instance, that you’re not really homophobic, but you want to make a thoughtful argument about gay marriage and end it with a gay joke. That’s not going to fly in the office. But on a message board? Son, you’re going to get banned if you don’t. And let’s say you want every message you post to be followed by a picture of a weatherman with a phallic-looking phenomenon seemingly coming out his pants. Passing a picture like that around school will get you detention, and it’s certainly not going to help your argument. But on a message board, you’ll probably get modded and be worshipped for your wit. So please, douche away.

3. Make Facebook posts

Maybe you want to be heard, but you really don’t want to be anonymous either. You may want your views to be thrusts upon those closest to you. Unfortunately, you hate actually talking about politics face-to-face out of fear of an actual dispute. You need to say just enough so that no one else can confront you about it without looking like an argumentative jerk.

If that sounds like you, then Facebook is probably what you want to use.

With Facebook, you can make many posts a day. Among messages telling your friends that what you ate for breakfast was good, you are leaving for work, and you think the guy in accounting is staring down your shirt, you can sneak in little posts saying that you think all Republicans must be mentally handicapped. And if anyone calls you out on your truth bombs, well they should just lighten up. You weren’t being serious anyways. But what can you expect from a Republican, right?

Check and mate.

4. Contribute to CNN’s iReport

After looking at all of these options, you might be thinking to yourself: “Yeah, but I still really want to be on TV. I’m just too good to be wasted!”

Hey, I hear you. Your childhood was spent wishing you could be on America’s Funniest Home Videos, and you won’t rest until you get your face on TV with the smallest amount of effort possible.

Thankfully CNN has followed in the internet’s footsteps by eliminating their “standards” and making iReport.com one of the major contributors to their television content. It’s a lot like YouTube, except now people who accidentally left their TVs on CNN thinking it was a real news network can hear what you think about healthcare. Plus, you can watch yourself on a bigger screen, which makes it better.

5. Create a blog

Still, after hearing all of these options, you might be feeling like you are too ugly for screen-time, yet too self-important and long-winded for forums and Facebook. Additionally, you might be too lazy or untalented to actually get your own work published. Well, that’s why blogs were created.

Now you (yes, you!) can self-publish your tedious diatribes to anyone, but probably no one. It doesn’t matter though. Sure, you’re doing all of this work for free, but you get the satisfaction that you’re saying something that must be really, really important. As long as you feel like someone may be reading your passive-aggressively sarcastic statements, you’ll feel a lot fuller inside.

Maybe it’s all of those terrible memories from your childhood that have scarred you that make you search for some sad, small semblance of importance. It doesn’t really matter, because once you see all of those words spread out in a way that might resemble a page of a book, you don’t really remember anymore. Better yet, with blogs you can always turn off the comments so you never know for sure if no one is reading. Maybe some day you can turn them on once again and gain yet another new outlet of political self-expression.

Well, I hope this list was helpful to you. Just remember a general rule of thumb: if you’re working too hard on expressing yourself in a constructive and meaningful manner, you probably just shouldn’t be doing it in the first place.

Pros and Cons #2

In a bold move that might be confused with indecisiveness, Blank the Messenger has decided to abandon the cause of finding the greatest creation of all time. This isn’t quitting though. I’m just making the quest to find the greatest creation ever better by completely abandoning it.

However, the feature won’t be lost and forgotten. It will be renamed Pros and Cons and provide exactly the same information it did before, minus the inclusion of the creator for each thing. This is better because a.) I never intended to finish it, and b.) it will

I am now also tired of making a list of why my decision to not pursue the quest to find the greatest creation ever is best. I’m making that list better by abandoning it also.

So, without further ado, here is Pros and Cons #2.

Blood Plasma

Pros: Helps you live; Can be used to create life-saving medicine; Kind of looks like beef broth; Can totally be sold for money

Cons: Does not taste like beef broth; People willing to buy plasma are frugal; Has nothing to do with watching high-definition television

Facebook

Pros: Easy and convenient way of social networking; You wouldn’t keep in touch with any of your old friends without it; Those crazy, crazy text games

Cons: Your parents now use it; Another way for friends to try and get you to read boring surveys about themselves; Number of Facebook friends give you a false sense of popularity that will never be able to fill the void in your life that was left by your social awkwardness

Owning a Dog

Pros: Best friend for life; Unlike children, you can name a dog pretty much anything you want without fear of shunning; You don’t have to stand up and walk to get your slippers anymore

Cons: Face it—it’s going to try and eat everything you own; The only new toy in your life that, when you get bored of it, you can’t throw away without fear of prosecution; Pees and craps all over the place; no matter how many times you call it your baby, it’s not really your baby.

Coffee

Pros: Keeps you awake; The best part of waking up (note: dependent on brand you choose); Impossible to live life without; Is basically a legal drug

Cons: When drinking too much, side effects are sort of gross; Can’t drink the good stuff without looking like an elitist; Get the shakes when you haven’t had any for a day

Incense

Pros: Makes your place smell good; Wide variety of scents; Cheap; No one will be able to know for sure if you smoke pot

Cons: Okay, be serious, everyone knows you smoke pot now; You look like a hippy; No variety of scent can mask its true smell: vintage store

Coming up: War Wars, A Great Idea, Dolly Oxem, and State Face Face-Off. I'm getting that heartburn feeling again!

Dolly Oxem Preview

Hey, folks. Here's the first preview for the upcoming pilot of Dolly Oxem's Traveling Video Circus. I've been hearing a lot about it and it looks like it should be very funny. Hopefully I'll be at the premier and give a first impression. Larry Longstreth has done a lot of other videos that can be seen on his MySpace page, among other places (and come on, you know how to use Google), so make sure to check them out too.

Tomorrow!: Blank the Messenger goes 80's horror film style all over one of its features. We're going to see the return, demise, and sort-of-return of the Greatest Creation Ever Nominations. It will be a lot like Friday the 13th: A New Beginning, but with less gratuitous sex and even more disappointment.

Hey. That sensation you just felt in your chest and throat--it isn't heartburn. it's excitement, so save the Maalox.

A List of Books You Aren't Reading

Unfortunately, people today don't read very much, so this list could actually be much, much longer. An easier task would be "A List of Books You Are Reading," which would include Animal Farm (since you are forced to read it in high school) and some magazine that someone left in the break room (because a list has to have more than one thing). Anything by Shakespeare wouldn't be listed since including books you pretended to read in high school would be cheating. Animal Farm was short, so we all read it. Plus, there were talking animals, so that seemed easy to relate to after years of TV stunting our maturity.

But assuming that we all still like to read, but rarely give into the hazy temptation, here's a list of books I'm guessing you aren't reading. And you should. You really, really should.

And just for the sake of humility, with the exception of one book, I read all of these in college, which means I'm not the kind of book snob I'd sometimes like to be. I'm just another phoney non-reader who has to be forced to crack open a book from time-to-time. Not that I don't read, but if you put the hours I spent playing Final Fantasy and Madden on one end of a scale, and the hours I spent reading in my post-college life on the other... well, let's just say I've been to quite a few Superbowls in my time, and I feel pretty ashamed reading the game log on how long it took me to beat every FF game.

So I could use a few suggestions myself. But for everyone else, here is my contribution.

The Book of Ralph

Why aren’t you reading it?:

Everything about it sounds like a kids book. Could possibly be a picture book of vomit. Because of religous conditioning from your grandmother, any mention of KISS makes you vomit a little.

Why you should read it:

Not only is The Book of Ralph hilarious, but it captures the reality of childhood. And what that really means is that this isn’t a kids book so much as it’s a book about being a kid. Every inappropriate thought you ever had as a kid is relived through the mind of Hank Boyd as he looks back at his childhood, with most key moments involving the odd relationship with his pseudo-friend Ralph. The Book of Ralph has a nostalgic vibe even for people who didn’t grow up in the 1970’s, and unlike other childhood retrospectives, John McNally’s book doesn’t sugarcoat the past. Every awful, embarrassing, and sad tale is told without holding anything back. It’s a funny and sometimes tragic look back at a time that everyone says is supposed to be simple, but rarely ever is.

White Noise

Why aren’t you reading it?:

You hated that awful Kevin Bacon movie you think it’s based on. The plot is a little scatter-brained. You’re so PC, you find any mention of Hitler offensive for no good reason. Your sense of humor has been crushed after years of watching America’s Funniest Home Videos.

Why you should read it:

White Noise is dry, dark, and funny, all of which blends nicely for chapter after chapter of rich satire. The story, which follows J.A.K. Gladney, the Professor of Hitler Studies, through a series of bizarre events in a world slightly off kilter to our own, may seem a little slow and, at times, inconsequential, but given some patience, what unfolds is haunting. Although it was written in the 1980’s, author Don DeLillo reveals a world dominated by media that resembles the present time more than it did when he wrote the book nearly 25 years ago. It’s not for everyone, but it offers a nice reward for those who read it through to the end.

Nice Big American Baby

Why aren’t you reading it?:

You hate children and fat people, so, you know, double whammy right there. Stories aren’t short enough to appeal to your ridiculous amount of ADD. You judge every book by its cover, and that cover does not seem to indicate a story about a giant baby destroying America like it was Godzilla.

Why you should read it:

Author Judy Budnitz creates a nice mix of realism and fantasy that makes it easy for the reader to accept the seemingly absurd circumstances in each story. On the surface, the details in stories like “Where We Come From,” where a pregnant woman holds in her baby months past the due date so she can give birth in America, seem silly. But Budnitz frames every one of her stories in such a way where the human struggle dominates any inclination to write it off as absurd. It’s hard not to read all the way through every story and not feel like you’ve gained a new sense of perspective, and the weirdness makes the book hard to forget. In a time where short story collections don’t sell as widely as novels, it’s nice to know that writers like Budnitz are still practicing the craft with as much mastery as is included in Nice Big American Baby.

The Tortilla Curtain

Why aren’t you reading it?:

All that talk about tortillas makes your stomach growl. You prefer to only hear about the Mexico/US border issue from the point of view of AM radio pundits. Lack of actual tortillas is baffling.

Why you should read it:

T.C. Boyle, unlike just about everyone anywhere who has tried to find the best perspective on the Mexico/US border conflict, actually succeeds beyond expectations. His key to success is surprising. Instead of oversimplifying the matter to make the discussion easy to fit into his TV show/radio show/column/blog/etc./etc., he accepts the issue as complex and ultimately unsolvable, and then tries to break it down. The book gives no answers, but provides plenty of perspective, telling the story from the point of view of four different people, none of which are right or wrong. It is sometimes challenging, but its honesty and complexity is refreshing.

That personal question I said I would ask you...

Where did that rash come from?

"Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers!"

I quote things all of the time, which is actually kind of unfortunate because in the past few months, I’ve noticed that our generation (Y? Z? Are we keeping track of the cut-off dates anymore?) can’t hold a single conversation without quoting something. And the problem lies in the vast amount of pop culture at our disposal. Long gone are the days where people would mostly quote the Godfather or Star Wars. Our generation has hundreds of Simpsons episodes to pull from along with more obscure films like Cannibal! The Musical.

I think I’m mostly bothered by this for two reasons: 1.) More and more I find myself talking to a group of people who constantly quote things to each other while I sit by having absolutely no idea what is being discussed. I like Arrested Development as much as the next guy with a good sense of humor, but when I’m bombarded with a random collection of Adult Swim quotes I’m not familiar with followed by a completely-out-of-nowhere chicken dance, I get a little overwhelmed. And 2.) I find myself quoting the most random things to people when I know they will have no clue I’m actually doing it. The worst was when I realized whenever I would tell people “good luck,” I would say it with the same deep, fake video game tone as the menu voice in Starfox 64. Who would ever pick up on this? “Yes! Starfox 64. Good reference. Very well done. Now let me dish out some Wave Race quotes you probably remember.”

This isn’t to say I’m going to stop quoting movies and TV shows. There’s something nice about telling a friend in-the-know that you’re having a schpadoinkle day, or that the crowd was actually saying “Boo-urns,” or that last step you took was a “d-ooozy.”

However, I’ll try to fit in a few more genuine words here and there. You know, to really spice up the conversation with actual communication. The inexplicable Starfox references are gone too. I’m not even sure how they snuck their way in there.

But the chicken dance stays. How else are we expected to humiliate cowards?

Coming up!: More greatest creation/thing candidates, a further look into the obsession of quoting, and a list of books you're not reading. Plus: I ask you a really personal question. Get excited.

Bono's Outta Here. Plus: Your Economy Update

Well, I guess Bono is officially out of contention. I read the comments (okay, comment) and listened to others, and the consensus is clear: you're outta here, Bono. Get some real sunglasses and pretend to be American, and then maybe we'll talk.

And now, you're picture update on the economy, brought to you by CNN:

I'm not sure what this means, but it's all CNN has been reporting on the last few days. What's the verdict? Is this good? Bad? Is the economy in its offseason and CNN is just doing what ESPN does with the NFL: giving us a daily Favre update? Has the real news been traded to MTV in exchange for their programs?

You know what? Screw it. I think this is an improvement. As Americans, when we're having a bad day at work and don't want to do anything, how do we react when something important needs to get done right away? We ignore it. It's the American way. Someone else will do it and then we can go on living our lives like nothing happened in the first place. Bold move, America. But this isn't anything new; this is the kind of stuff we're made of. And hey, it's always worked in the past. We're going back to the basics--the stuff that got us here in the first place. Let's all give ourselves a big pat on the back for fixing... whatever it is that was broken. I forget already.

You see that, Bono? Maybe if you quit trying to fix the world you would have stayed in contention. But you couldn't do things the American way, could you? That's an Irishman for you.

Greatest Creations Ever, Part 1

I'm taking on a new project, folks. This is a little bold for me (considering my usual standard for boldness is turning up the compter's AI in Madden), but I think the end result will be really great. I am going to make a list of the 10 greatest creations of all time, which really includes just about everything. I'd call it 10 Greatest Things, but that doesn't sound as nice.

As with everything else, this is a very serious project that I will treat with thoroughness and accuracy. I’m taking my time with this one by mulling over some of the best creations of all time. When I’ve exhausted the options, I’ll get to ranking. For now, let’s look at a few of the (maybe 100+) best candidates:

The Wheel

Creator: Some genius in ancient Mesopotamia

Pros: Revolutionary; probably has contributed to society more than any other invention; most other inventions wouldn’t exist without it; easy to draw

Cons: Kind of a boring creation when you really think about it; difficult to catch when it is rolling down a hill; strong contribution to the existence of NASCAR

The Internet

Creator: Al Gore

Pros: You can find the answer to anything you’ve ever wanted to know; YouTube; ability to communicate with anyone

Cons: We’re all dependent on it; no one really knows what it actually is; makes the inevitable robot revolution that much more likely to happen in our lifetime; Myspace; ability for anyone to communicate with you

Xbox 360

Creator: Microsoft

Pros: Halo; ability to talk to friends through headset; comfortable controller; looks pretty slick; you still don't have to move around when you play video games

Cons: Always breaks; 12-year-olds swearing at you on Xbox Live; can’t talk about it without someone telling you why PS3 is better

The Harry Potter Series

Creator: JK Rowling

Pros: Way better than you think; makes people excited to read; maybe most enjoyable reading experience you can have; check out that sweet box set!

Cons: Questionable uses of colons throughout last book; possibly very, very satanic; “borrowed” key ideas from a lot of other great books; now your kid wants to be a freaking wizard

Bono

Creators: Mr. and Mrs. Bono

Pros: Makes good music; strong humanitarian efforts

Cons: Probably feels real good about himself in a smug sort of way; not American; too much hair gel; sunglasses look like they don't get the job done